Sunday, June 14, 2009

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I dont yet have your AOL screen name.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Star Wars Question

I am currently watching Return of the Jedi, and some interesting questions just popped into. At the beginning of the movie you are introduced to Jabba the Hutt. Jabba likes to have women dressed in very little bikinis dance in front of him. As I was watching the movie I suddenly found this habit odd. Why would Jabba want human women to dance and dress sexy for him. He is not even human. He is more of a slug if anything. Could Jabba and a human women even conceive? Some how I doubt this very much. If Jabba and humans are not of the same species would Jabba even find a human women attractive? I mean do you find a dog or a cat attractive? If you do seek professional help soon.

Later in the movie Luke Skywalker enters Jabbas palace. He attempts to negotiate with Jabba for Han Solo's release. The negotiations go badly, and Luke uses the force to grab a blaster. Why didnt Luke just wear his lightsaber into Jabbas palace. Why did he give R2D2 his lightsaber? What if Jabba had decided to execute them and R2D2 was not around? The light saber would have been very helpful when dealing with the Rancor!

Speaking of the Rancor, why di Luke use a rock to lower the gate onto the Rancor and not use The Force? Why does he not use the force to strangle the rancor as he does to the guards when he enters Jabbas palace.

Final thought....After Luke and the gang land on the Endor Moon Darth Vader comes to the Emperor and tells him that Luke is on the moon and has felt his presence. The Emperor replies that it is strange that he has not felt Lukes presence, and then tells Vader that he has foreseen that Luke will come to him on the Endor Moon. Does this seem like a contradiction?

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Hell Ya!

Today I ran 4 miles in 35.16. This is the fastest I have ever run. I then finished the evening off with a nice weight workout, and am now pleasantly sore.

Updating My Networks

If you are on AOL, Yahoo, MSN, or Google Talk let me know so I can update my buddy list.

Monday, June 8, 2009

So last week I decided to start riding my bike to the park I run at everyday. This seemed like a good idea because it would give me more cardio to my workout, and would justify the 80 something odd dollars I spent getting my bike repaired so long ago, and then never rode. So the ride there was fine, and I was pleased todays ride was MUCH easier then last week! NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Easier in this sentence is defined as not hacking a lung out of my mouth, and my legs not feeling like they are on fire.

The run went fine, and on the way back seriously within about 400 yards of my house my back tire blew out on me. This as you can imagine frustrated me. However it brought back some good, and bad memories from the mission. I rode a bike in two areas Bakersfield and Oxnard. I would share some pictures and video from Oxnard but that memory card with all those pictures disappeared.

The first video is of Elder David Root. I have not shown this video and I dont think he know I have it. I am fairly certain he didnt know I was taking this video at the time, but I could be wrong. David and I were riding back to our apmt and his tire popped on him. At the time his tire was filled with slime to prevent flat tires, and so with a new hole in his tire the slime went all over his backside. Enjoy.

The other pictures and videos are a few from the good old mission days.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Running a Meeting

Today I attended a meeting in Atlanta, GA. The meeting was to go over a new system that was being put out for a company that my company works for from time to time. The system was to help them keep track of the safety training of all of their contractors. The system tracks each contractors background checks, drug screens, and safety orientation. Sounds like a good idea right? Here is the problem, in todays world every company has their own system that contractors are required to use. All of these systems are complex databases that take a great deal of time to load all of your employees into.

I personally in my own job use 4 different databases that all do the same thing. It doesn't matter that my employees may have already had a background check, drug test, and safety orientation from one company 2 months ago. When we work for a different company we must do the process all over again.

I personally as a safety professional would like to see a national background, and drug test database that everyone was willing to accept. I doubt this will ever happen but it would be nice.

I was also surprised at how poorly the meeting was run. In this conference there were well over 100 people in the room. To my stunned surprise the person running the meeting asked each person in the room and introduce themselves with their name, title, company, and where they were from. The meeting was scheduled for around 2 hours, and it took me off guard that we wasted (in my opinion) almost a half hour listening to people introduce themselves. I personally couldn't tell you the name or company of anyone in that room.

I don't mean to rant but I do find it important that if you are going to have a meeting, that the meeting be as short as possible. In todays worked there are way to many meetings. Further more in these meetings a great deal of time is wasted. Why could we not just sit down and get right to why we were all there.